Harper in action.

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Friday, April 27, 2007

Sesame Asylum

Generally speaking, I watch a lot of really bad television. Don't get me wrong, I also watch a lot of great TV. McCall and I love 24, Lost and Heroes. But we do watch quite a bit of VH1's Celebreality lineup. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you are a healthy well adjusted citizen. If you do, you should be ashamed of yourself (although Surreal Life Fame Games was SO good).

Anyway, now we have to TiVo shows that Harper can watch. If she watched the shows we watch, she'd think that torture, gunfire, and super powers were part of daily life. She'd also think "bleeping bleep" are the most common words in the English language. So now all kinds of crazy shows are popping up on TiVo that range from the fun and tolerable (Johnny and the Sprites), to the PC indoctrinating (Happily Ever After: Stories for Every Child).

However, it's hard to beat the old standards, and Sesame Street definitely fits into this category. But, as I was watching it the other day with Harper, I realized something a bit disturbing. Sesame Street is full of crazies and alternative lifestyles. Below are the list of offending characters on the show:

1) Big Bird:
BigBird
A Beautiful Mind? I don't think so!

Okay, lets start with the kingpin. Big Bird is one giant, yellow paranoid schizophrenic. He has visual and auditory hallucinations that take the form of a woolly mammoth named Aloysius Snuffleupagus (aka Mr. Snuffleupagus or Snuffy). Big Bird exhibits all the classic signs of PS; he is delusional in his belief that Snuffy is real, and carries on conversations that only he can hear. Nobody besides Jack saw Tyler Durden and nobody besides Big Bird sees Mr. Snuffleupagus, draw your own conclusion.

2) Cookie Monster:
CookieMonster
Not Pictured: About a million trillion other cookies he's eaten.

Cookie Monster is an addict. His addiction takes the form of an eating disorder focused on cookies. Cookie Monster needs serious help and I believe he should start going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings and get a sponsor. During the episode that I saw, he had an enormous cookie, at least four feet in diameter, which he ate in less than one minute. He tried to contain himself. He started by only taking one bite. But his addiction wouldn't allow him to stop. Pretty soon it was all crumbs dropping out of his mouth. I really think it's wrong of the Children's Television Workshop and PBS to exploit his weakness for their own profit.

3) Count Von Count:
TheCount
The Count was later found dead from hypothermia.

Otherwise known simply as the Count, this poor soul clearly suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He has an irrational need to count any and everything in sight. He is most affected by repetition of sounds (e.g. clock chimes) and a need to sort items (such as snowflakes) into groupings of successive integers. What may be most disturbing about his illness is the heightened level of mania he displays while acting out. The Count laughs uncontrollably between each item he counts. These empty guffaws obviously mask a great deal of emotional pain and distress.

4) Bert and Ernie:
BertandErnie
Gay or Not Gay?

These may be the most controversial of the Sesame Street characters. Are they gay? I don't think so. At least not Bert. Any gay man with half a brain would get that unibrow waxed post haste. Plus neither has any fashion sense and their hair styles can best be described as Troll. And while they share a bedroom, they sleep in separate beds. That's not very gay. They aren't homosexual, they aren't even metrosexual. They are just a couple of buddies too broke to get a two-bedroom apartment. All that being said, there's definitely something odd about Ernie's obsession with his rubber ducky. I can't quite call it a psychological disorder, but it's not normal.

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